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Thursday, 11 December 2008

Maybe, just maybe, if you weren't such a bitch, you'd have friends. Just a thought.

Sunday, 07 December 2008

It's alright with me.

I'm ready for the next step in life. Whatever the hell that is. I feel like i'm playing that trust game, where your friend blindfolds you and leads you around, and you just have to believe that they won't lead you into a pole or chair ;) Its so difficult not seeing the finish line. I'm ready to settle down with a man, pop out a herd of children, and make them happy for the rest of my life. Is that sad? I've reduced myself to the whims of someone else. I used to think that was the biggest mistake a woman could ever make, but now it sounds idealic.

"you're a star, thats just not going very far.."

I wish i knew everything, ever. But then i'd be more synical then i already am, which could end up being very dangerous...

"we could swim any day in november"

I want to leave... I'm just ready.

I wish reincarnation was real... maybe it is. I'd like a redo on this one thats for sure. I wish a lot...

I was talking to my co-worker the other night, she said there has never been a time in her 50+ years that she has been genuinely happy, through 2 husbands, homelessness, children in rehab, sobriety, friends, love and lust. She has never been genuinely happy... I think i would kill myself if i never knew genuine happiness. I know happiness, thankfully. I know love as well, love, too much love, not enough love, love as a mask for abuse, love as a reason to use, and love as a reason to live, leave and learn.

Long as you got me you won't need nobody.

Only itunes can truly understand my emotional state... Thank God for shuffle...

Easy like sunday morning.... Thats how it should be.

All i want is a ring on my finger and a promise from his lips...
I've got half of that... its more then some get in a life time...

I think he knows something is up... He's been more spectacular then normal... I'm so lucky. Why am I so confused!?!?

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Everyone lies...

I've never stopped.... Even though i told everyone it was just a phase... so guess what? yeahh i didn't stop and i don't feel bad at all. No one knows, no one cares... It's life. see they say they do, but they only care when it's comfortable... No one is comfortable with this, unless they do it to. But we don't share stories, that'd be absurd. People only listen because they want to be listened to, I listen to everyone, even those who I have never had the pleasure or curse to meet. I listen to the earth, the wind, the birds, my friends, my lover, my heart, passerbys, my coworkers, i listen. I hear, and remember what they say, i contiplate it days later, i wonder how the fix the problem or resolve the issue. Do they listen to me? If they do they must not be curious... I say things to see who catches on... Very few. Maybe 2... Maybe... If you care, make sure you show it. It can lead to all sorts of good, trust me.

I wished I remembered...

Do you think there can be something so horrific that happens that you completely block it out of your memories? If yes, then is there a way to get it back? Do you think it will bring itself back at some point?

A friend of the devil is a friend of mine...

It's true... We're all connected if you look hard enough. You're better off just embracing it, you'll never change that.

Thursday, 21 August 2008

    So I dropped my beau off at college yesterday... It was terribly emotional, for both of us. He, at times, was the only stable thing i had in my life over this past year and now he is 80 some miles away. I hope he knows how much I miss him. He's staying in a co-ed dorm... ehhmm.. I'm not exactly thrilled, nor am i surprised. I stayed up until 2am this morning weeping, thinking, what if i need him? An hour and a half seems like light years in a crisis.
Katie leaves tomorrow, i didn't have the heart to see her off.

Everyone i love is leaving

   I'm so alone/depressed/anxious i just want this year to be over. I need to make some new friends, but if i make new friends will i have time for my old ones? I could never replace them. I have no desire to either. I'm just lonely. So, terribly lonely.

    I've been waiting since 2 to webcam with my boy, and i still haven't heard from him. I want to see him, i need to see him. I need to remind him how much i care, i love him, i don't wanna loose him there. I don't want him to loose me here. I just wanna hug him. Kiss him... See him.

    Well school starts monday. That'll be fun. I got my books today... $320. Thank god for government sponsored postsecondary :D Next year i'll sell a kidney or something to afford books. I'm counting down the days until my graduation, i wanna leave, move on, move in, move up, move AWAY. This isn't just senor-itis. This is passion.

    Hopefully tonight i can sleep.

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Gwen Stefani - Cool
It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things get more comfortable
Everything is going right
And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool, I know we're cool
We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain
Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool, I know we're cool
Yeah, I know we're cool
And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we're hangin' out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool, I know we're cool
C-cool, I know we're cool
I know we're cool
C-cool, yeah, I know we're cool

So this song is dedicated to an old friend... And a rekindled friendship...

So in 4 months and a few days i'll be 18. I've been thinking... am i prepared enough to be 18... a legal adult? Am i actually mature enough to do that? Will i be able to handle myself when i move out within a year? I honestly dont know, but i do know it's what i want to do.
I really can't stay here for a couple more years... I'd suffocate. I already find it hard to breathe, let alone stretch my wings. Not that it's anyones fault, but to keep me locked up here would be the ruin of me. I need to strike out on my own... Live a little, figure out my weaknesses. Decide how I wanna live, not how i have been taught.

I find it neccassary to move on... With life. Fresh air will clear my head and before long I'll forget how stuffy it gets here at home. I am a good kid. I do go a little crazy when i get a chance though. I get hurt easily, and i'll let you break my heart if you get close. I realize that some scars dont fade, ever.

I think i'd miss them if they did.

It's time for a pick-me-up... Although i think the well is drying up too fast for me to find another fix.
I hope it's just me being paranoid...

Give me a reason why i let you down, before you turn around.

Don't forget me please.